A Priest Looks at Forty

One of my favorite Jimmy Buffet songs is "A Pirate Looks at 40." Somehow it sneaked up on me that the song is not about an "old" person. This month it's about me. Not literally of course (at least not the pirate part,) but I'm entering a time of reflection and introspection. It occurs to me that I did this the year I turned 30, too. I got really quiet and spent lots of time reading and writing and praying as I prepared for my pilgrimage to the Holy Land. Who could of known that all that inner work would lead to a complete vocational change? A decade later, I am feeling the need to do some more of that work. Not towards vocational change, I hope, since it took me ten years to get where I am now, and I've only just begun being a priest. Nevertheless, it feels like time to do some more of that work.

As I approach 40 I have to deal with the grief of things that haven't come to pass, like marriage and children. Not that those things still can't be a part of my life, but for women 40 indicates that the clock is ticking loudly - at least on having children of one's own. Although I have this grief for things my life does not contain, I also have great joy for all the blessings I do have. So it's a year of sitting with the sadness when it comes while knowing that I'm also okay with how my life is. God has given me wonderful work, which I love. I adore my niece and nephew and enjoy time with the children in my congregation. I love where I live, and though I wish I had close friends who were local, I am grateful for the network of friends I have around the country and world who are only a Facebook message away.

As part of my reflection, I have decided to reread my journals - quite an undertaking because there are about 20 of them. In 1997 alone I filled 3-4 large notebooks. That was the year I did The Artist's Way. I enjoy reconnecting with my younger self, especially when she asks questions of older me, and I can answer her that her decisions were sound ones after all. I'm also taking a Leadership Path course through the Hoffman Institute, the process that had such an impact on me my second summer of seminary. It will consist of an experiential residential weekend and 10 hours of coaching calls. I'm looking forward to learning more about how to be the authentic leader I know I can be.

For fun and retreat, I'm also going to the mountains for a few days after my birthday. Then I will be meeting my parents for a week in Asheville and joining my brother's family for Guest Camp at Camp Mikell in north GA for Labor Day weekend. Lots of things to look forward to.

I'm not blogging as much because I'm not sure what feels right to share in such a public forum. Plus there's facebook for when I only have a sentence worth to share. And I've begun journaling again, the kind of journaling that is only for me and not to be shared with anyone else. I'll try to keep posting from time to time.