GOEs revisited and hopefully released
Today the General Ordination Exams started for this year's crop of senior seminarians. I have been amazed at how much anxiety has been generated within me, even though they are over for me. All the feelings have been bubbling up - fear, frustration, humiliation, shame, anger, exhaustion, hope. I am reliving how I felt this time last year, almost as if I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Recently I had a conversation with someone in my diocese about my experience last year. All of it came flooding back. I was asked to write a letter about it, and I have done so. Tomorrow night we are having an Epiphany service and burning of the greens. It will be one year and a day since I completed the GOEs. I am going to burn my scores and the letter saying I couldn't be certified for ordination. I am hoping to release the feelings of inadequacy and shame that were generated by this stupid hazing ritual. I want to let it go, disempower it so that it can no longer affect me.
A friend gave me a book for Christmas called "Praying in Color." It describes a prayer practice that uses doodling and color. It's supposed to be very right brained. I introduced our youth to it last night, and they seemed to respond well to it. Tonight I have tried to use it as a method for working through the GOE feelings. I have drawn a page that I will burn tomorrow along with my scores. Truly, I want to find some peace and let this thing go. Everything worked out for me, and I'm now doing the work I have longed to do. It's time to let go. I can't let the negative experiences of my life have so much control over me. It's time to heal and move on.
posted by Merely Human @ 7:53 PM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
this sounds like a wonderful idea, and just what you need to release yourself from the insecurity and pain of the GOE experience. i'll be thinking of you tonight and the flame of your future. :)
Believe it or not, I think time will help too, though your ritual sounds promising. I was in a knot last year, and this year only thought of it in prayer for others. I had less baggage (not better scores, just less insanity around them,) so you get 'extra time'-- but ultimately, you should feel triumph. You are doing what God called you to do, and doing it brilliantly. There is nothing about those tests or the scores that has any meaning for the kind of priest that you are--which is amazing, by the way! So let the anger drift away with the smoke--or save a it in reserve to help empower others who suffer in that way. Hugs. . .
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